In A Dangerous Pear Tree
by Wakkowarnerlover
Summary: Perry is looking forward to spending the holidays with the boys, but when he learns that Doofenshmirtz may be leaving Danville forever, he takes it upon himself to make sure Doofenshmirtz doesn't have to spend Christmas alone.
1. Chapter 1

**(Answer to an FAQ for most of my stories: Perry and the boys are able to communicate through translators. The boys built them after remembering the Second Dimension. Only Phineas, Ferb _and_ _Candace (As of my other story New In Town)_ own the translators. If you're curious, be sure to check out my other fics! They're a series. HAPPY READING!)**

**(Attention if you are reading through my series: I usually upload in the order the stories go, but since I wanted to get this story up by the holidays, I uploaded it out of order. It still will make sense! There is a list on my profile of the order the stories go in if you want to see where this one fits in!)**

**(... Serves as a line break)**

_I don't want a lot for Christmas_  
><em>There is just one thing I need<em>  
><em>I don't care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree<em>  
><em>I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know<em>  
><em>So baby make my wish come true<em>  
><em>'Cause all I want for Christmas is you<em>

"I hate presents, trees suck, blah blah evil stockings, Christmas is so annoying." Perry sang.

"I take it you don't like this song?" Pinky asked.

"I can't stand it. It's basically this person griping about how they're single and dissing the holidays in the process." Perry changed the station. "Well, Scrooge you."

"…Scrooge you?"

"I forgot to tell you. I'm working on a whole new line of holiday-themed insults." Perry swerved to avoid a tin can in the road. "'Scrooge you' is my personal favorite. There's also 'What the jingle bell is wrong with you' and 'Figgy pudding'. I figure Figgy Pudding's a good substitute for that one word during the winter months."

"Really getting into the holiday spirit there, are you?" Pinky said sarcastically.

"Scrooge you."

"Santa Baby" began to play on the radio.

"This song is really disturbing. Think Mrs. Claus knows some random girl is flirting with her husband?" Perry asked.

"It's just a song, Perry."

"I wonder who wrote it."

"She's not really flirting with him. Just kind of."

"I'll wait up for you, dear." Perry sang along.

"Point taken. So, what are you doing this year for the holidays?"

"Let's see… I'm gonna make gingerbread cookies… including one shaped like security agent Ernest the eagle with no head. Then I'm gonna start making my gift list for people. Oh, and Peter and I will be singing holiday songs at the O.W.C.A Christmas party. I've already started making a list of what songs not to sing. Here." Perry pulled a list out of his pocket and handed it to Pinky.

"Winter Wonderland? Why?"

"It creeps me out."

"What's creepy about Winter Wonderland?"

"First of all, people conspire in front of a fire. They're plotting something evil."

"Uh, I don't think-"

"And then these people build a snowman and children destroy it. It's almost as traumatizing as Frosty the Snowman. Which, by the way, is the second one on the list."

"I see. …Jingle Bells? That's the happiest song ever."

"I thought so too." Perry said darkly. "Then I learned there were more verses."

"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus."

"Even more disturbing than Santa Baby. Santa gets around a lot in one night, huh?"

"Perry, I think it's implied that Santa is actually the dad dressed in a Santa suit."

"Really? Well, there's five hours wasted with my therapist."

"Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire? Why?"

"That song's all fun and games until Jack Frost bites someone's nose off. And it's discriminatory. Are we supposed to assume that newborns and ninety-three year olds aren't deserving of being wished Merry Christmas?"

"Perry, 'Jack Frost nippin' at your nose' is just personification. It just means your nose is cold. What songs are you actually going to sing?"  
>Perry shrugged. "Haven't gotten there yet. I'll figure something out."<p>

"Deck the Halls is on here too? Perry, you're not gonna have any songs left."

"Half the words in that song make no sense. I mean, what the heck does deck the halls mean anyway? And then there's that random fa-la-la-la-la in the middle."

"You're too picky. Why don't you sing We Wish You a Merry Christmas?"

"Can't. It has a swear word in it."

"No, it doesn't."  
>"Figgy Pudding."<p>

Pinky rolled his eyes. "Anyway, drop me off up there. And if you want any actual help with stuff, call me when you're not in your jokey mood."

**...**

Perry dragged the pink tinsel up the stairs.

One of the Jeremy photos that had been taped to the tinsel fell off and floated merrily down into the living room.

"Mom!" Candace called. "Have you seen my tinsel? It was just here!"

Perry pulled the tinsel into the boys' room and deposited it at the foot of Ferb's bed. "I brought decorations."

"Perry, that's Candace's." Phineas said.

"Really? I thought it was your dad's. The Jeremys threw me off."

"Dad's friends with Jeremy?" Phineas asked.

"Sarcasm, Phin. I know it's Candace's. Are you two gonna decorate the whole town for the holidays again?"

"Yep." Phineas said. "Ferb's downstairs figuring out how many strings of lights we can use and what lights we have to save for the tree and our own house. We'll buy whatever else we need during the month."

"I'm excited for the holidays this year." Perry said. "Wanna see my song list for the songs I won't be singing at the O.W.C.A Christmas Party?"

"Sure." Phineas said.

"Fifty-two strings." Ferb said, entering the room. "Most of which are from last year."

"Cool." Phineas said.

"Ooh, Jeremy tinsel." Ferb said. "I suppose our sister will be wanting that back."

"She'll get it back when she apologizes for this." Perry extended his claws. "She tested her stupid berry nail polish on me while I was asleep."

"Only on one claw." Phineas said.

"Crime must pay." Perry said. He dug around in his fur pocket and produced a folded piece of paper. "Sorry, I gotta figure out the seating arrangements for the O.W.C.A Security Agent Honors Dinner next week. Agent B was supposed to do it, but he switched his vacation time and turned the duty over to me."

"We had seating arrangements once." Ferb said. "In first grade."

"Yeah." Phineas said. "Johnny Smith stood on the table and started a rebellion. He said we shouldn't be forced to sit in certain places in a free country. So we pushed all our desks against the door and we didn't let the teacher out until she let us pick our own seats."

"Wow. I would hate to be a teacher in John P. Tristate Elementary." Perry said.

"No, you'd just hate to be the teacher of Johnny Smith." Ferb said.

"In second grade, Johnny Smith marched in front of the school with a picket sign." Phineas said. "He was protesting the rule against eating paste."

"If you give Johnny Smith a gummy worm, he'll protest for the right of your choice." Ferb said.

"Danville is full of interesting people." Perry said. He took a pen out of his pocket and began to write up the seating chart. "Let's see… we'll put Brandon the bulldog next to Vanita the vampire bat… hey, Ernest hasn't spoken to his ex in a while. I should give them a chance to catch up at the two-person table. And let's seat Carl with all the superiors…"

"You're evil." Phineas said.

Perry grinned. "I guess I've spent too much time with Doofenshmirtz over the years. Hey, gift idea: you guys think I should wrap Jeremy up and stick him under the tree for Candace?"

"That'd be like stealing a person from the store." Phineas said.

"…What? Where the heck do you two shop?"

"I mean kidnapping."

"Limited Time Only at Jeremy-Mart." Ferb said.

**...**

"It's officially time for the holidays." Darren the duck said. "And you know what that means."

"Candy canes." Kyle the kangaroo said.

"Tinsel." Said Serah the swan.

"Butts." Said Ned the baby narwhal.

"No, no." Darren said. "It's time to start planning the holiday party. I would normally put Perry in charge as my right-hand man, but he says he's too busy, so I need a new volunteer. Any takers?"

All of the agents in the main room fell silent.

"Come on." Darren said. "Surely one of you-"

"I'll do it."

The crowd parted.

Peter the panda stepped forward. He held up his paw.

"I shall help to throw the best holiday party that the agency has ever seen. And I shall do it in the name of pandas everywhere. And in the name of Dane, my friend, who couldn't be here today because he's dead."

"Please don't start that again." Pinky said.

"This holiday party shall be held in association with the Save the Pandas fund." Peter said. "All proceeds shall go to Save the Pandas."

"We don't get any income from the parties, Peter." Darren said. "They're free."

"Okay, but everyone has to be aware that pandas need donations before they are allowed in." Peter said.

Darren sighed. "Fine. Not like I have any choice. Thank you, Peter the panda, for volunteering."

"You will not regret this." Peter said.

"I don't doubt I will."

The agents began to depart from the room. Peter and Darren went into the supply closet to start looking for decorations.

"We need a kind of slogan." Darren said. "Or a theme. That's what I learned from Perry last year."

"Okay." Peter picked up a red holiday ribbon and stuck it on Darren's head. "This year's theme is Decorate Everything."


	2. Chapter 2

"Here comes the airplane." Phineas said.

He threw a paper airplane at Ferb's open mouth. Ferb caught the airplane easily.

"You two are so weird." Candace said. She sat down on the couch and pulled out her cell phone. "I'm glad I actually have a LIFE."

The boys exchanged glances.

Candace started to laugh. "Oh, Jeremy's so cute. He just sent me a picture. Look." She held up her phone.

"Hm." Ferb said.

"You two just don't understand romance." Candace said. "Jeremy and I are going the Holly Hoedown next Saturday as Mr. and Mrs. Claus. It's going to be so adorable."  
>"I forgot about the Holly Hoedown." Phineas said. "They're having it at Danville Park, right?"<p>

"Yep." Candace said. "And you two need to stop flying little papers into each other's mouths, or you'll never get a date for it."

"Oh, Ferb and I don't need dates." Phineas said. "We're arranging the whole thing, so we're not gonna be dancing."

"You're what?!"

"Not gonna be dancing." Phineas repeated.

"You're ARRANGING it?"

"Uh… yeah. That's what we said."

"MOOOOM!" Candace shouted. She ran out of the living room.

Perry padded into the living room. He was covered in glitter and tinsel. "Hey, boys. I see Candace forgot to turn on her sanity this morning."

"What happened to you?" Phineas asked.

"Did a Christmas Tree upchuck on you?" Ferb asked.

"Upchuck, ha. You British people make everything sound fancy. Apparently the O.W.C.A's holiday theme this year is Decorate Everything, and I didn't get warned in time. Can ya help me get out of this tinsel?"

Phineas started detangling the tinsel. Ferb brushed the glitter from Perry's fur.

"We should make gingerbread cookies together." Phineas said. "One day when you're not busy."

"I get vacation time soon." Perry said. "I have the power to request it more forcefully now that I'm an elite field agent."

"The cream of the corn." Ferb said.

"Oh, no. We are NOT starting that again." Perry shook the rest of the tinsel from his back. "Hey, Candace left her phone on the couch. That can't be good. Everyone knows Candace's phone is connected to one of her vital organs."

"She was texting Jeremy." Phineas said.

"I'm gonna send Jeremy some selfies." Perry unfocused his eyes and snapped a photo of himself.

"The internet age has even spread to the pets." Ferb remarked.

"Hashtag swagalicious." Perry said. "Aaaannnndd… send."

Candace stormed back into the room. "UGGGHH. Why won't she belie- WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY PHONE?"

"Changing the names of all your contacts to Vance Ward."

"GIVE ME THAT." Candace snatched her phone away from Perry. "OH MY GOSH. WHY DID YOU SEND A PICTURE OF YOURSELF TO JEREMY?"

"Because I'm adorable. Jeremy said so in his reply."

"Don't ever touch my phone again, meatbrick! You got that?"

"Is it okay if I poke it with a stick occasionally?" Perry asked.

"EVERYONE IN THIS HOUSE IS CRAZY." Candace griped.

"Well, scrooge you." Perry said.

** ...**

"I saw mommy kissing-"

"I've been an awful good girl, Santa honey-"

"Kissin' by the mistletoe, tingle tingle-"

"What's with all the romantic holiday songs?" Doofenshmirtz snapped.

"Just pick one already." Vanessa groaned.

"I need to write myself a note to complain to the radio station." Doofenshmirtz stopped fiddling with the radio and went over to the front door to grab his scarf from the coathanger-inator. "They haven't played any evil Christmas songs this year."

"There ARE no evil Christmas songs." Vanessa said. She grabbed a bowl from underneath the sink and began getting ingredients from the cupboards.

"What are you doing?" Doofenshmirtz asked.

"Making cookies." Vanessa said.

"You don't have to do that this year. I made a cookie-inator a few days ago. It's down in the basement if you wanna switch it on."

"Didn't Perry the platypus destroy it yesterday?"

"Oh… right." Doofenshmirtz sighed and zipped up his winter coat. "I forgot about that. Listen, honey- I'm gonna take the car somewhere. I'll be back in an hour or something like that. Norm's here if you need anything."

"I can help make the cookies!" Norm said. He grabbed a large frying pan and set it down on the stove.

"Great." Vanessa said sarcastically. "Hey, dad… is it okay if I invite a friend over?"

"Sure, honey. Whatever." Doofenshmirtz opened the door and stepped out into the hall.

As soon as he closed the door, he heard a crashing sound.

"Whoopsie. That's not the right colander." Norm said.

"He has an 'off' switch on his back." Doofenshmirtz called through the door.

"Thanks." Vanessa shouted back.

** ...**

"Doesn't feel like Christmas yet." Perry commented.

"Well, it shouldn't." Peter said. "Christmas isn't until the twenty-fifth."

"I mean, it doesn't feel like we're leading up to Christmas." Perry scooped up some snow in his hands and packed it into a ball. "The O.W.C.A's all decorated, the streets have pretty lights, there's snow… but… I'm just not feelin' it."

"Maybe because you haven't actually done anything for Christmas besides think up Christmas-related insults." Pinky said. He was shivering even more than usual because of the cold.

"Scrooge you."

"We can go Christmas shopping together." Peter said. "You and me and Pinky and Declan."

"Who the jingle bell is Declan?" Perry said.

"Declan. You know, that dog we always hang out with?" Peter said.

"…Devon? Peter, have you been hanging around Devon all this time without ever knowing his name?"

"His name's not Devon anymore." Peter said. "He lost it to me in cards, so now his name is Declan."

"You've been playing for each other's names?" Perry asked. "What's next, your personalities?"

"So, anyway, do you guys wanna go shopping with me and Declan?"

Perry threw his snowball at a tree. "Give Degluwho my regards. I'm going with the boys."

"Declan." Peter said.

"I'll never get used to that. Peter, I'll give you a lollipop if you let Degrin change his name back to Devon."

"Bamboo-flavored." Peter said.

"Deal."

"It's hard to find gifts for people." Pinky said. "I always have so much trouble when I go Christmas shopping."

"I know, right?" Perry said. "I have such a hard time shopping for Sandra Unice the sea urchin. She never tells me what sort of things she likes."

"I have her as my Secret Santa person this year." Peter said. "I figured she'd like a spike collar. She seems to like spikes."

"She has no neck." Perry said.

"Who's your Secret Santa person, Perry?" Pinky asked.

"Major Monogram, actually." Perry shrugged. "That one's easy. I just took a picture of him. I'll print it out and give it to him on Christmas."

"I already gave Isabella eight tennis balls for Hanukkah." Pinky said. "So I don't have to worry about family gifts along with agency gifts. I'm focusing all my attention on you guys. And my Secret Santa."

"Yay." Perry said. "Oh, by the way, I want a pony this year."

** ...**

Perry came in through the pet flap and shook the snow from his fur. He hoped no members of the family had seen him bury that important thing in the yard-

"Perry! Look what we got for the last day before winter break!" Phineas said, running up to him with a large bag with a reindeer on the front.

"Wow. That's big." Perry said. "Every kid got a bag that huge full of stuff?"

"We were going to get much smaller bags, originally." Ferb said, coming into the living room with his bag. "But Johnny Smith started a protest, so Mr. Morrison had to run into the back and quickly make a bunch of larger bags before Johnny Smith declared war."

"Mr. Morrison isn't very good at drawing reindeer under pressure." Phineas said. "But look, Perry. We each got gingerbread cookies…"

The boys took two gingerbread men out of their bags. Ferb's was missing its arms and legs.

"Mine is Darth Vader." Ferb said. "He used to be Anakin, but I got hungry."

"Does that make you Obi-Wan?" Perry asked.

"And we also got markers to color our break as bright as we want." Phineas said. "Or that's what Mr. Morrison said, anyway. We think he might have a screw loose."

"I got a black marker." Ferb said.

"Oh dear." Perry said. "Mr. Morrison obviously didn't want YOU to have a nice break."

"And we each got a personalized gift that Mr. Morrison picked out especially for us." Phineas said. "I got a pair of sneakers. I don't know why."

"You're obviously not wearing them at the moment." Perry said.

Phineas looked down at his socks. "Aw man. I forgot my winter boots at Baljeet's house."

"That's cool you guys got all that stuff. All we get at the agency is a Secret Santa gift."

"We used to do Secret Santas." Phineas said. "But one year Johnny Smith-"

"You don't have to explain." Perry said.

"Christmas is gonna be soooo fun this year." Phineas said, spinning around. "We're going to bake cookies and make snow angels and put lights up and…"

"T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the house…" Ferb began.

"…and eat cookies and have snowball fights and decorate things and…"

"Not a creature was stirring, not even my cow."

"You two need to be quiet." Candace snapped. "I can't hear Jeremy. I think he's about to ask me to the-" She put her ear to the phone. "Yes, Jeremy? What were you saying about the Holly Hoedown? …You can't GO? WHY?"

"We'd better get out of here before the inevitable final explosion." Perry said.

The boys nodded.

They started upstairs.

"What do you MEAN you're volunteering at the homeless shelter that day? What about US, Jeremy?"

"Candace has such a good heart." Perry said. "When it's not set on something, I mean."

** ...**

Perry burst through Doofenshmirtz's wall.

"PERRY, STOP IT!" Doofenshmirtz snapped.

Perry frowned. Something was off. Doofenshmirtz appeared to be just sitting in his armchair, no inator in sight. And he looked… angry.

And he never addressed Perry by just his name.

"Do you realize how much that wall costs, Perry the platypus?" Doofenshmirtz picked up the bricks lying on the floor and began to restack them. "Do you? My alimony check barely covered the damage you made last month. Quit looking at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. Even if ya don't, you don't have much longer to figure it out."  
>Perry stared at him.<p>

Doofenshmirtz straightened up and sniffled a little. "That's right. I'm moving, Perry the platypus. They want me out of here by the first of January. I just wasn't able to scrape together enough to pay the bills in time, and Charlene's still mad at me for that rodeo incident, so I'm not getting the check this month. I'm gonna have to go back to Gimmelshtump and live with my uncle Roquebert Doofenshmirtz… who's pretty much the only member of my family that sort of likes me and is willing to support me. So anyway, once I'm gone, you can bust down that wall as much as you want, I really don't care. But this is my last month in Danville, and I REALLY don't wanna spend it fixing a building I can't pay off."

Perry didn't say anything. He just stood there.

Surely Doofenshmirtz was kidding. He had to be. Even if he wasn't able to pay off his building, surely he wasn't leaving Danville…

But one look at his nemesis's expression took away all his doubt.

Perry didn't quite know what to do.


	3. Chapter 3

"Looks like someone isn't getting into the Jingle Bell Cheer!"

Perry groaned. He put his head down on his desk. "Please leave me alone."

Patricia the peacock poked him. "Aww, you can't be grumpy on the holidays! Come on, Kayla and Kristie! Let's sing!"

"Let's not." Perry said.

Patricia ignored him.

"FROSTY THE SNOWMAN, WAS A HAPPY JOLLY SOUL…"

"Frosty! Snowman! Happy! Jolly! Soul!" Kayla and Kristie koala harmonized.

"With an ice cream hat and a button shoe and two eyes made out of poles." Perry muttered.

Patricia giggled. "Silly Agent P! Those aren't the words!"

"There must have been some magic in that ice cream hat we found, for when we placed it on his head, it began to trickle down." Perry said. "Seriously. If you don't have any important reason to be here, get out."  
>"We're here to deliver you your Kandy Kard!" Patricia said. "Spelled with a K. We decided that in order to help spread holiday cheer, we would need to get people to send others lots of candy! And lucky you! You got a Kandy Kard!"<p>

"I'm honored. Please go away."

"Here you go!" Patricia handed Perry a candy cane with a note tied to it. "Happy holidays!"

"Thanks. Leave my cubicle."

The three agents did so, giggling. Perry rolled his eyes. They sounded like woodland fairies.

"Don't be grumpy with the Kandy Kard Krew." Darren said, poking his head into Perry's cubicle. "It took me forever to convince them to do this in the first place."

"I'm not grumpy with them. I'm mad because Doofenshmirtz is leaving."

"Leaving L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N?"

"No, leaving forever. He's going back to Gimmelshtump, and I'm never gonna see him again." Perry unwrapped his candy cane and started sucking on the end.

"Oh, that sucks. Well, there are plenty of other villains that you can take. There's this new guy who has kids, so he only has time to do evil on Mondays. Think of the breaks you'd have!"

"I don't care about the new villain, okay?" Perry snapped. "Doofenshmirtz wasn't just my work, he was my _friend_."

Darren froze.

Perry suddenly realized what he had said. He quickly tried to cover it up. "I mean, he was… friendlier than the other villains. I kind of need that kind of attitude when I work that early in the morning."

"Don't let any of the superiors hear you say that." Darren said quietly. "Although I guess getting reassigned now wouldn't really matter…"

He started to walk away.

"HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU, TOO." Perry yelled.

** ...**

"Perry! We built a giant robot reindeer!" Phineas said.

"But it flew away with the giant robot chipmunk and we're not invited to the wedding." Ferb said.

"I got a candy cane." Perry said glumly, holding up the small stub that was left.

"Uh oh. You're not getting sad again, are you?" Phineas asked.

"No, Phin. I'm just a little upset because Doofenshmirtz is moving. He can't pay the rent for his house anymore."

"Oh no. That's too bad." Phineas said. "But maybe it'll turn out good."

"Mr. I've-lived-here-my-whole-life is right." Ferb said.

"Oh, that's right… wait! Ferb moved. He knows what moving is like."

"Well, we went on this plane." Ferb said. "And then we got this apartment in Danville and lived there for about a year until mum and father got married and then we moved into this house."

"See? Happy." Phineas said.

"Well, I'm not the one moving. And it's not like Doofenshmirtz is going to this really nice place with a great family. He's moving back to the hometown he hates where everything's all dingy and everyone's pretty cranky with each other. And then there's me, what's gonna happen to me? I'm gonna get reassigned to some villain who doesn't like me."

"Well, don't worry about it now, Perry." Phineas said. "Maybe Doof will find a way to stay."

"Could happen." Ferb said. "We almost stayed in England because the pilot realized he was afraid of heights and wouldn't fly the plane. So we had to wait until another pilot could come."

"Or maybe Doofenshmirtz will get enough money to stay in Danville." Phineas said.

"And he's not gone yet." Ferb said. "You can still do stuff with him."

"True." Perry said. "Thanks, guys."

"Did you ever read your candy cane note?" Phineas pointed.

"Oh, no. I didn't. I was so bummed out with the whole Doofenshmirtz thing and so annoyed by the Kandy Kard Krew's singing that I kind of forgot about it."

"Maybe it's a love note." Ferb said.

Perry snickered. "Yeah, right. 'Dear Perry, I love the way you serenade egg noodles every day. Also, you smell like cucumbers.' Here Phin, you read it." He handed the note to Phineas.

"Dear Perry," Phineas read. "I think you're a really nice guy and really fun to be with. You're also very cunning and cool. And you have really pretty fur. It's a nice color."

Perry blushed.

"I don't know you all that well, and I wish I could know you better. But I guess now it will never be. Signed, anonymous."

Perry didn't know what to say.  
>"Is it from your girlfriend or something?" Phineas asked.<p>

"Definitely not. I don't get it… what am I supposed to do?"

"Start sending out wedding invitations." Ferb said.

** ...**

"I SWUNG IN LIKE AN ORNAMENT!"

Perry dodged the giant plastic holiday ornament that soared past. Peter was standing on the top.

"A HOLIDAY ADORNMENT!"

Perry jumped back as the ornament returned to the other side.

"Peter, what the jingle bell are you doing?" Perry asked.

"I'm trying to make up a good song to use in our holiday show." Peter said.

"Quit swinging back and forth. You're making me dizzy."

"I can't stop." Peter said.

Perry grabbed the string that held the ornament on the ceiling.

The ornament stopped.

"You may want to try something a little less dangerous. You nearly took my head off with that thing." Perry advised.

"I'll tone it down." Peter agreed. He climbed down from the ornament. "Did you want something?"

"Do you know who wrote this?" Perry handed Peter his note. "I can't recognize the handwriting."

Peter looked at it. "It's faked handwriting. The A's aren't consistent. Whoever it was made sure you couldn't trace it."

"Do you think someone really has a crush on me? Or is it most likely some kind of practical joke?"

Peter shrugged. "It might not be a love note. It might just be a nice note."

"That's true. I guess I'll take it like that."

"Although…" Peter scratched his chin. "I heard a rumor that this one animal at the agency was gonna tell his or her true love how she or he felt about them. They could be your anonymous person thingy."

"Who?"

"I dunno." Peter shrugged. "Why do you want to find them so much?"

"Well… to thank them for the nice note." Perry said. "And really hope they don't have any romantic intentions. I have enough to worry about this month."

** ...**

Perry chewed on the ribbon.

"Yeah, Stacy! So I told Jeremy I was getting him the COOLEST gift for Christmas. But I actually haven't thought of what that's gonna be. I'm wrapping dad's present right now. EW, PERRY!"

Candace snatched the bow from Perry's mouth and held the phone away from her face. "I know you're not mindless, you know. You can cut the act and quit DESTROYING EVERYTHING."

"I like destruction." Perry said.

"Ugh, sorry, Stacy. Just Perry being the world's most annoying pet. I don't get why the boys didn't just pick out a fluffy cute bunny or something."

"Oh, if you're talking about your former pet, the so-called Mr. Cutie Patootie, I hate to break it to you… but he's a mercenary for hire and nearly brought down the agency."

Candace threw a pillow at Perry. Perry caught it in his mouth.

"PHINEAS AND FERB!" Candace yelled. "I can't talk on the phone and babysit Meatbrick at the same time! COME GET YOUR UGLY SMELLY PET!"

"Scrooge you." Perry said.

"Coming." Phineas called. "Ferb and I are gluing snowflakes to the walls. They're made of actual unmeltable snow that we made ourselves."

"Ugh, do I have to do _everything_ around here?" Candace muttered. She ran out the door and down the stairs. "MOOOOMMM!"

Phineas came in the room and picked Perry up. "I wouldn't make Candace angry, Perry."

"Why? Is she worse than you?"

Phineas laughed. "What? I don't ever get angry."

"But when you do, you're Vesuvius and everyone else is Pompeii."

"Help us decorate." Phineas said.

"Will you get angry if I don't?"

Phineas carried him down to the living room, where Ferb was attempting to detangle the Christmas lights to hang on the front of the house. Christmas music was coming from Ferb's boombox by the television.

"Perry says I'm scarier than Candace when I get angry." Phineas said.

"You are, actually." Ferb said.

"Am I scarier than you angry?"

"No." Ferb said. "But you wouldn't know. You have never, and never will see, me at my angriest."

"Let's tape candid photos of Candace on some tinsel and send it to Jeremy so they can have matching Christmas decorations." Perry said. He hopped down from Phineas's arms and started digging around in the decoration box. "Hey, here's my chewy Santa toy. I was wondering where that went."

"Mom put it in the decoration box because it was Christmasy." Phineas said.

"Oh, so I'm not allowed to play with Santa unless it's December? Has Linda never heard of Santa's summer run?"

"Santa doesn't come in summer." Phineas said. "Does he?"

"I wouldn't be standing here right now if he didn't. He saved my life a few summers ago. Hey, here's that Christmas ornament with one-and-a-half polar bears."

Phineas laughed. "Oh yeah. That was a gift from mom's first wedding. After she got divorced I ripped one of the polar bears out."

"That's violent." Perry said. "The polar bear didn't do anything to you. He was just sitting there being married to this other random polar bear."

"If I find the top half, I'll glue it back on and he can be dad." Phineas said.

"I meant to ask you about this one, too. Why is this ornament taped shut?" Perry held up an ornament shaped like a small book. It was taped on all sides so it couldn't open. The title was THE SANTA BEAR.

"Because it was sad." Phineas said. "The Santa Bear falls into a drainpipe and then all this stuff happens and then at the end he gets fixed but it made me cry so I taped it up so I would never have to see it again."

"And what about this elf?" Perry pointed at an elf ornament that was holding a tray of cookies. Only two cookies were left. There were six empty glue spots on the tray.

"That was from the Christmas when Ferb first lived with us." Phineas said. "He thought the cookies looked yummy so he ate them."

"They didn't taste yummy, though." Ferb said. "They tasted like ceiling tiles."

"How do you know what ceiling tiles taste like?" Perry asked. He kept looking through the box. "Goodness. Which ornaments HAVEN'T you guys massacred? We should buy some new ones."


	4. Chapter 4

_You don't have, to be, a Santa Claus_

_When Christmas comes around_

_But if you, could be, a Santa Claus_

_You'd know the joy he's found_

_You'd discover what it means_

_If you reach down, in your jeans…_

"What. The. Figgy pudding." Perry skipped to the next song on the CD. "Christmas songs get more and more disturbing every year."

"I think he was talking about your jeans pocket." Phineas said.

"He should have been a heck of a lot more specific, because now I have a really awkward image in my head. Okay, stereo's playing a song that won't give me nightmares… your parents are out Christmas shopping… we bought the ingredients…"

"I found the other half of the polar bear." Ferb said suddenly. "It was stuffed in the couch cushions."

"…polar bear has been found… looks like everything's ready for baking."

"Yay!" Phineas said. "Fudge and cookies!"

"Aw, fudge. I should have used that as a holiday insult instead of figgy pudding. It works so much better."

"I think people use it annually." Ferb said.

"What kind of cookies are you gonna make?" Phineas asked.

"Chocolate chip's a must, chocolate with powdered sugar, and snickerdoodles. Sound good?"

"Sounds AWESOME!" Phineas said.

"And I think there will be plenty of marshmallows left over after I make the fudge, so you guys can pig out on those."  
>"Marshity Mallow." Ferb said.<p>

Perry went into the kitchen and started to measure out ingredients into a bowl. "You guys don't mind if a hair or two ends up in the cookies, right? It's kind of hard to avoid contamination."

"Protein." Ferb said.

"I guess you're okay with it. All rightie. Ferb, you're in charge of cutting the gingerbread cookies into shapes."

"Shapes." Ferb repeated mischievously.

"G-rated shapes." Perry said. "Phin, do you want to decorate half the cookies and Ferb can decorate the other half?"

"Decorate." Ferb said.

"Again, keep it G-rated." Perry said.

"Sure." Phineas said. "I'll make a cookie like Candace and a cookie like you and a cookie like Ferb and a cookie like mom and a cookie like dad and a cookie like our fish Blubbles and…"

"Okay, get out of the kitchen. You're distracting me. I'll let you know when the cookies are ready."

** ...**

Perry was dozing off in his pet bed.

The whole house was warm and smelled of gingerbread, and Phineas had managed to find Perry's favorite winter blankie in the closet, so Perry was very comfortable. It was only a matter of time before he completely drifted off…

A bright light suddenly flashed on.

"Sun." Perry mumbled, covering his face with his favorite Snugglebear toy. "No."

"The sun? Cheese and crackers, Agent P, wake up!"

Perry opened his eyes. Major Monogram was floating a few inches above his bed.

"Major? Why are you floating?" Perry blinked a couple times. "And how did you understand what I was saying?"

Monogram frowned. "I am NOT the Major. I am the Ghost of Christmas Past."

"Okay. I'm dreaming. Why are you here?"

"To show you Christmas past, Agent. We've got to get moving."

The ghost grabbed Perry's hand. They flew out of the room.

They soared and soared until they finally landed in the backyard of the Flynn-Fletcher house.

"We could have just used the stairs, you know." Perry said.

"Stairs don't take you through the past." The Ghost of Christmas Past said.

Perry looked through the sliding glass door. Little Phineas and Ferb were sitting next to a Christmas tree. Lawrence, Linda and Candace all looked younger, too.

Baby Perry was chewing on a new tennis ball. Candace was trying to get him to let go of it so she could throw it.

"A tool kit!" Little Phineas said happily as he opened one of his presents. "Thanks, mommy and daddy! Ferb, we can build lots of stuff with this!"

"Aww, they're all so cute." Perry said.

Baby Perry waddled over to the Christmas tree. He bit down on one of the branches and tugged.

"NO, PERRY!" The entire family shouted.

The tree toppled over. Baby Perry regarded his destruction with an expression of mindless glee.

"That was a great Christmas." Perry said.

The ghost grabbed his hand again, and after a short flight, they were standing in Doofenshmirtz's building.

Doofenshmirtz was sitting alone in his living room, staring moodily at his Christmas tree. Instead of ornaments, there were sketches of machines and blueprints taped onto the branches. There was even a sketch depicting a robot that looked similar to Norm.

"He didn't have anybody." Perry suddenly realized. "He's alone."

"It's sad, really." The ghost remarked.

Doofenshmirtz put his head in his hands and started muttering something to himself. Perry felt incredibly sad watching him.

Suddenly the doorbell rang. Doofenshmirtz jumped up, instantly full of energy, and ran over to the door.

A young Vanessa stood in the doorway. She appeared to be about ten or eleven.

"Hey, daddy. Happy holidays." She said, handing him an extremely thin present.

"Oh, thank you, sweetie." Doofenshmirtz said. "I'm so happy you're here. I have something for you, too."

"Is it another pony?" Vanessa asked, narrowing her eyes.

"No, no. It's a cute little pink dolly I found at the store." Doofenshmirtz grabbed the gift from underneath his tree and handed it to Vanessa. "Merry Christmas, baby girl."

Vanessa gave a sigh and forced a smile. "Thanks, daddy. See you next week."

She left the room, and it became silent again. Doofenshmirtz carefully opened up Vanessa's present. It turned out to be a piece of paper with a drawing of Doofenshmirtz on it.

Doofenshmirtz smiled. He went over to the Christmas tree and taped the drawing to it. He gazed at it for a very long time.

"It's time to go." The ghost said softly.

**...**

Perry woke up back in his pet bed.

"Major Monogram? I mean…"

No answer.

Perry wrapped his blankie tighter around himself and started to close his eyes again.

Another flash of bright light snapped him back to attention. This time, Phineas was floating above his bed. A present was taped to his head.

"Let me guess. The ghost of Christmas present?" Perry asked.

"Aww. Everyone always figures it out." The ghost said sadly. "What gave me away?"

"Wait." Perry said. "How are we gonna do this when it's not even Christmas yet? You can't show me Christmas present when it's not Christmas."

"Oh. Good point." The ghost said. "Guess I'd better-"

He spun around and morphed into a form resembling Ferb.

"There. Now I'm the Ghost of Christmas Not Too Far Off." He said.

"You mean Christmas Future."

"Yes, but that's not quite the right idea." The ghost shrugged. "I'm not showing you something so far into the future that you're, well, dead or something. This coming Christmas. Got it?"

"Sure. And nice British accent."

"Thank you. I've been practicing. Come on, then." The ghost grabbed Perry's hand, and they started to fly.

"Hey, just a request: Can we please skip the Flynn-Fletcher Christmas? I really hate having my gifts spoiled." Perry said.

"Fine." The Ghost of Christmas Not Too Far Off said.

Perry looked down at the streets of Danville. All of the houses were covered in pretty Christmas lights. Most likely Phineas and Ferb's doing. Perry smiled.

They landed on Doofenshmirtz's balcony. Doofenshmirtz was lying on the living room floor, facedown.

"What happened?" Perry asked.

The ghost shrugged.

Perry walked over to Doofenshmirtz. It didn't take him long to figure out Doofenshmirtz was asleep. His eyes were wet, as though he had been crying.

There were no Christmas decorations, which was strange. Doofenshmirtz usually put up his ramshackle tree and dingy old Christmas lights the week before Christmas. And there was usually wrapping paper strewn across the floor… that little elf hat he bought with his alimony check was nowhere to be seen… none of the hand-sewn snowman pillows were on the couch…

"Where are the decorations?" Perry asked.

"He had to sell them." The ghost said. "Unfortunate. Holidays aren't much fun without decoration."

"Oh no." Perry said softly.

The front door opened. Vanessa walked in. "Dad? Dad, mom told me you were moving… why didn't you say anything?"

Doofenshmirtz didn't wake up. Vanessa bent down next to him. She took a small present out of her pocket and set it down next to him.

"Merry Christmas, dad." She said.

Doofenshmirtz snored.

Vanessa stood up and left the room.

"This can't happen." Perry said. "He can't be sad and alone on Christmas. Where am I? Aren't I there?"

"Did you know you were needed?" The ghost asked.

"Not until now." Perry admitted.

** ...**

Perry woke up. It was light outside.

Phineas and Ferb were jumping across to each other's beds.

"Ferb! We! Should! Make! A! Room! That! Is! Entirely! Made! Of! Trampolines!" Phineas said as he bounced back and forth.

"Boys…" Perry yawned. "I have a favor to ask."

"Sure! Perry! Anything!"

"I need you two to start working on some awesome Christmas decorations. A friend needs them. And I'm going to make some extra cookies."


	5. Chapter 5

Perry lowered his hovercar into the backyard.

The boys appeared to be building a robot-shaped snowman. Phineas grinned up at him.

"Hey, Perry! How was your mission today?"

"I'll tell you later. Get in the hovercar, punks. We're going Christmas shopping."

"YAAY!" Phineas climbed up the snowman and hopped into the backseat of the hovercar. Ferb followed him.

Soon they were speeding over Danville. The wind was freezing. Perry had to activate the goggles in his fedora to keep the snow out of his eyes.

"So, how was work?" Phineas asked.

"It sucked. I kept running into people who weren't actually talking to me."

"People who were giving you the silent treatment?" Phineas asked. "Or people like Ferb?"

"I was walking down the hall and Avery the anteater waved at me so I waved back. But it turned out she was waving to someone behind me. And later this girl gave me her spot in the water fountain line so I gratefully took it and as I was drinking she said, 'Friday's awesome' And I said 'Yeah' and turns out she was talking to some dude who had just walked up on my blind side. So embarrassing."

"Aww." Phineas said.

"Doesn't matter now. We're gonna have an awesome time shopping for gifts. Um… so I need to buy you two some stuff, so we gotta split up."

"Ok. Ferb can go with you while I buy him and you gifts." Phineas said.

Perry frowned. "Really? Are you sure? Don't you have some vital organ connected to Ferb that you need to keep intact?"

"We're not together ALL the time." Phineas said.

"...Okay. Well, how about it, Ferb? You wanna come with me?"

"Sure." Ferb said.

"You got your cell on you, Phin?"

"Yep." Phineas said.

"Kay, good. We'll meet at the giant fountain at the bottom level of the Googolplex Mall at three-thirty. Four hours to browse the stores. That good enough for you guys?"

"Yeah. But I forgot my money." Phineas said.

"How good are you at forging signatures?" Perry asked. "I think I have Monogram's spare credit card with me."

"Um… that's okay. I'll just use my Ferbcard." Phineas said.

"You guys invented a new form of payment and didn't tell me?" Perry asked.

"Last week." Ferb said.

** ...**

"I think we got out before anyone saw us." Perry said as they left the bookstore. "Good sneaking, Ferb. I hate leaving stores without buying anything. Especially when salespeople offer to help you. Who's still on your list?"

"Phineas, father, mum, Candace, you, grandfather, grandmother…" Ferb read.

"So, technically speaking, we're zero percent finished with our shopping. Sweet. Next store."

They entered a store with a large sign on the front window that read BLACK WIDOW. The O was shaped like a skull.

Heavy metal music blasted through the store. Ferb plugged one ear.

Perry held up a red jean jacket. "Think this is good for Candace?"

Ferb shrugged.

"Yeah, I think it'd work without the spike sleeves." Perry agreed. "Other than cute little Bango-Ru keychains that Candace would love, I don't see anything here that anyone I know would like. Except Prince, and I already got her something. Let's leave before our eardrums have a heart attack."

"How can an eardrum have a heart attack?" Ferb asked.

"I dunno. But mine are threatening to find some way to acquire one."

They left the store.

"I've discovered something." Perry said. "I don't like heavy metal music."

"_DECKTHEHALLSWITHBOUGHSOFHOLLY_!" Ferb mimicked.

"_TISTHESEASONTOBEJOLLY_!" Perry joined in.

"Perfect!" Ferb suddenly shouted. Perry jumped. Ferb never raised his voice. It was always, as Phineas described it, an inside voice.

Ferb pointed at a store window display.

"A giant hammer?"

"Giant hammer that unscrews into smaller screwdrivers. Perfect for Phin."

"Okay, let's get it for him."

"I got dibs because you didn't know what it was at first."

"Aw, dang. Now I have to figure out something else for him."

** ...**

"Got everyone on your list?"

"Yep. You?"

"Yeah." Perry looked at his watch. "Got everyone six times. Dang, we still have a whole hour left. What are we gonna do now?"

"Get stuff at the food court?" Ferb suggested.

"We could spend money on random things we don't need."  
>"That could be considered a bad habit." Ferb said.<p>

"Okay, let's walk around the place again. If we see something that's perfect for someone, we'll buy them an extra gift."

"We've already been around the mall three times." Ferb said.

"Fourth time's the charm. What else are we gonna do while we wait for Phineas besides window shop at stores we've already been in and out of twenty times?"

Ferb shrugged.

"We could dare each other to do things to pass the time." Perry suggested.

"Okay." Ferb pointed at a salon store as they walked by. "I dare you to get a facial treatment."

"As excruciatingly horrible, unnecessary and unpleasant as that sounds, I must respectfully decline because I am allergic to cucumbers."

"Okay, then I dare you to get an allergic reaction."

"I dare you to drive me to the hospital."

"I dare you to go into intensive care."

"I dare you to pay the hospital bill. Dang it, first dare and we're already out of the mall."

"By way of ambulance." Ferb said.

"No way. You're driving, remember? Don't go back on the dare." Perry took his phone out of his pocket. "Phineas is calling me."

"I dare you to make Phineas feel uncomfortable within the timespan of two seconds."

"Psh. That's not challenging." Perry answered the call. "Hey, Melanie. Don't worry. She doesn't know anything about us."

"W-what?" Phineas said.

"Four seconds." Ferb whispered.

Perry glared at him. "Dang. So close."

"Perry?"

"Hey, Phin. Don't worry. I'm just messing with you. What's up?"

"I'm done shopping. I'm kind of tired."

"Thank goodness. Ferb and I were done hours ago. Okay, we'll meet you out front. Ferb's driving."  
>"But I'm only driving if we're going to the hospital." Ferb said.<p>

"What?" Phineas asked nervously.

"We'll fill you in on the way." Perry said.

** ...**

"Next year, everyone's getting square presents." Perry said.

He was lying on an unrolled portion of snowflake wrapping paper, staring at the ceiling. Phineas and Ferb were lying next to him. Ferb had tape stuck to his nose. Phineas was covered in ribbon.

"Too… many… round… things… to wrap…" Phineas said.

"I don't even want to think about that dodecahedron I wrapped up a second ago." Perry said.

"More… chocolate… milk…" Ferb said.

"Ferb, we're done wrapping." Phineas said.

"We are?" Ferb looked over at him wearily.

"I should have let the store lady wrap the gifts." Phineas mumbled.

"We can't be this lethargic tomorrow." Perry said. "We have to… we have to… I can't even remember what we have to do tomorrow."

"Put up the tree." Ferb said.

"We already did that." Phineas said. "Next Monday."

"Oh, that's right." Ferb said.

"You two are bonkers. That's it, one of us is gonna have to get up and get some cookies to revive us."

"Phineas." Ferb said.

"Ferb." Phineas said.

"Wow, who knew wrapping gifts would be all it would take to get you two to turn against each other."

"Perry." The boys said.

"Don't bring ME into this. I'm the one who drove home after Ferb backed out."

Ferb yawned. "Tomorrow we wait. Wait for Christmas. For a long time."

** ...**

"Look! Someone that isn't decorated!" Perry pointed across the hall.

The new recruits squealed and ran toward where he was pointing. Perry breathed a sigh of relief. It really was hard to get around thanks to the new Decorate Everything policy.

He did have some reindeer antlers in case he was in a tight situation, but he really didn't want to resort to putting them on. They were embarrassing.

Sierra the snowy owl suddenly turned a corner and started to walk alongside Perry. "So, you got a date for the holiday party yet?"

"Um, do I know you?" Perry asked.

"No. But I have this friend who has kind of a crush on you. You don't know her, either. But she's cute. Likes softball. And she has her own hovercar, so you wouldn't have to drive her around. Sorry, I'm getting ahead of things a bit. Well, you can just take her to the party if you want. Or not. You can have all the time you need to think about it."

"I don't know. It's a long time between now and never." Perry said.

"Anytime's fine." Sierra said.

"Look… one, I'm already in a relationship, so that wouldn't work. And two, I'm not gonna be anywhere near the dance floor."

"Oh, so you're more of one of those gamey people who likes to hang around the snack tables and stuff. She'll like that."

"Did you not hear one? And four, I'm not gonna be participating much. I'll just sing my number and go home."

"You skipped three." Sierra said.

"Just seeing if you were paying attention. Oh, I just got a text from a… real person. Sorry, I have to go." Perry opened the door to his lair.

"Look, I normally wouldn't be pushy about this, but I kind of ship you two." Sierra said.

"You ship us even though we don't know each other."

"Yeah, it's just…" Sierra sighed. "Such romantic, forbidden love. An antisocial, handsome elite agent and a beautiful file-sorter…"

"…Yeah. Okay. Well, have fun." Perry started to close the door.

"She realllyyyyyy likes you." Sierra said.

"Please don't make me do this." Perry clenched his fists.

"You really need to consider..."

"AGENT SIERRA ISN'T DECORATED!" Perry shouted.

The sounds of excited small animals started to come towards them. Perry quickly slammed and locked the door to his lair.

"Sorry." He said through the door. "I was really hoping I wouldn't have to do that."

He could hear Sierra scrambling away from the door.

"IF YOU WANNA GIVE HER A CALL, SHE WORKS DOWN AT CARL'S… AAHHH! GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"BUT YOU'RE NOT GLITTERY ENOUGH!" Yapped a puppy.

Perry sat down against the wall and began to go through his texts.

_FROM PHINEAS: hi perry ferb accidentally ate… (tap to read more)_

_FROM FERB: it was delicious… (tap to read more)_

_FROM DEVON: what do cats like 2 get 4 xmas… (tap to read more)_

He stuck his phone back in his pocket and sat down in his chair, waiting for Monogram to appear on the monitor.

He wondered if Sierra's friend had anything to do with the candy cane he had received.

If so… that wasn't good.


	6. Chapter 6

Perry waddled into the living room.

"Remember this video, Perry?" Phineas said. Nine ballet dancers were dancing on the screen. "We used to watch this all the time when we were little. It's the animated version of The Twelve Days of Christmas."

"That's another awkward Christmas song." Perry said. "What the jingle bell is the dude supposed to do with all the stuff his girlfriend gave him? You can't just keep ten lords a-leaping in the closet. They'll leap into each other."

"And it would be very strange indeed if you had eight maids a-milking in your hallway." Ferb said.

"And the twelve drummers drumming would keep you up all night." Phineas said.

"They never mention the thirteenth day of Christmas when they break up because the boyfriend tried to exchange the gifts for a gift card at the store." Perry said.

"FIVE GOLDEN RINGS!" Phineas and Ferb suddenly shouted as the screen changed to an animation of rings falling on a table.

"Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree!" The television sang.

The pictures changed until they stopped on an image of a partridge sitting in a pear tree. The tree had three pears. The only animated pear was directly above the partridge's head, and it swung back and forth.

"Oh my." Perry said. "That pear looks like it's about to come loose."

"And a partridge in a dangerous pear tree." Ferb sang.

**...**

"Where are we gonna hide it?" Phineas asked.

"In the closet?" Ferb asked.

"Nah. Perry might go in there."

"In the panic room?"

"Candace might go in there and freak out and then Perry would know."

"Let's hide it in the invisible closet at the end of the closet." Ferb said.

"Good idea." Phineas said.

They each took one side of the gigantic teddy bear and lifted it up. They started to walk toward the closet.

"I think we need to open it more." Phineas said.

Ferb reached into his pocket and pulled out a remote. He pressed the button, and the closet grew until it was big enough for the bear to fit through the opening.

The boys carried the bear inside.

"How many paces is it to the invisible-OW!" Phineas slammed his nose against the door. "It always gets me."

They put the bear inside and quickly scrambled out of the closet. They closed the door just as Perry entered the room.

"I heard a lot of banging around. What the heck happened?"

"Rhinos." Phineas said quickly.

"We were teaching rhinos to dance." Ferb said.

"The Charleston." Phineas said.

"Dang. Sorry I missed that. Anyway, I'm gonna be at the agency all day today making last-minute gifts and doing stuff for the O.W.C.A Holiday Party, so don't expect me to be home until late."

"Aw." Phineas said. "But you'll be home tomorrow, right? You have to be home on Christmas Eve."

"I will be home tomorrow." Perry said. "You can count on that."

"Good." Phineas said.

"Where did all the rhinos go, anyway?" Perry asked.

Ferb shrugged.

"They just disappeared." Phineas said.

"Huh. Odd. Well, I'll see you guys if you're still up. If not, I'll see you tomorrow."

Perry left the room.

"That was close." Ferb said.

"Good thing rhinos are a believable excuse when it comes to us." Phineas said.

"It pays to be awesome." Ferb said.

**...**

The O.W.C.A Holiday Party was quite crowded.

A lot of the agents had shown up. Most of them came undecorated. Perry decided to swallow his pride and wear his reindeer antlers to avoid the wrath of the Decorating Committee.

The only thing vaguely resembling a game was the Deep-Fry Decorator. Agents handed Harry the husky ordinary objects such as socks and sweatshirts and Harry dipped them into a pot of glitter glue. The rest of the room was filled with nothing but food.

"Best hurry before they decorate the cake." Lowe the fennec fox commented.

"Good point." Perry said. "Haven't seen you around lately. Where you been?"

"Where I always have been. My office." Lowe smiled. "I wasn't going to come here tonight, but I managed to find a Santa hat that passes for decoration. Still may leave early."

"Same here." Perry said.

"Social gatherings are exhausting both mentally and physically." Lowe said. "Have you seen my sister anywhere? I'm worried about her. She said she was coming. I hope she hasn't forgotten. You know how she is."

Perry laughed. "No, I hav- wait."

Lodi worked for Carl. Lodi was a file-sorter. If Lodi ever sat near anyone, it was always Sierra the snowy owl.

Perry froze.

Of all the people to have a crush on him, it had to be crazy Lodi.

"Did I say something?" Lowe asked.

"N-no. I- I have to…" Perry looked around.

"There's no need to feel uncomfortable around me. You can say what's on your mind."

"I… really can't in this situation." Perry finally spotted Lodi seated next to the dessert table, reading a magazine. Two new recruits were sticking holiday bows on her head. She didn't appear to notice. "Um… would you excuse me for a sec?"

Perry pushed through the crowd and tapped on Lodi's shoulder.

"Gosh, don't sneak up on someone like that!" Lodi snarled. "What do you want?"

"Can we talk…" Perry began.

Lodi's expression softened. "Oh, it's just you. Thought it was my brother. What is on my head?"

The new recruits squealed in gleeful terror and ran away. Lodi glared at them. She brushed the bows off of her head and turned her attention back to her magazine.

"Um…" Perry couldn't tell whether she was listening to him or not. "Uh, about… Sierra's friends with you, right?"

"Who's Sierra?" Lodi asked.

"That owl you always hang out with."

"Oh, her. Yeah. I guess."

"Uh… did… she said… she said you wanted me to ask you to this thing."

Lodi shrugged. "You're kinda cute. So she ships us. I said I'd ask you if she quit bothering me."

"Oh… good. So… it's not serious or anything."

"Heck, no. You think I'd want to date one of my brother's nutjob patients?" Lodi finally looked up from her magazine.

"I am both offended and relieved." Perry said. "But… I got this note…" He took the candy cane note out of his pocket and handed it to Lodi. "Did Sierra forge this to try and get me to think it was you?"

Lodi barely glanced at it before handing it back. "Sierra forges stuff different. Nope. Sorry, Philip." She went back to reading.

Dang. So he still had an admirer on the loose.

But at least it wasn't Lodi.


	7. Chapter 7

The O.W.C.A Holiday Party went very well afterwards.

All of the agents got up on the stage and sang holiday songs. Some preformed duets. Many sang in groups of four. Only a few went solo.

The first solo singer was Marlow the mouse. He squeaked "We Wish You a Merry Christmas".

"Come bring us some figgy pudding, come bring us some figgy pudding…"

Perry tried to stifle his laughter.

"Oh, forget about it, Perry." Pinky said.

"We won't go until we get some…" Marlow sang.

Perry had to cover his mouth with both hands.

"Honestly, Perry." Pinky rolled his eyes.

After Marlow, Kyle the kangaroo and Poppy the platypus preformed "Baby It's Cold Outside".

"The neighbors might think…"

"But baby, it's bad out there…"

"Oh, no." Perry said. "We certainly don't want those neighbors thinking. Thinking is shameful. It's a terrible act that we simply cannot condone. The very thought of neighbors thinking…"

Pinky switched places with Peter.

"Oh, am I talking too much for you, Pinky?" Perry asked. "You'll thank me later when YOU start making song lists for the holidays. Don't expect me to feel sorry for you when you start questioning your song choices. Because then it will be too late."

"It's our turn!" Peter said excitedly.

Perry and Peter got up on the stage.

"We decided to perform a holiday favorite." Peter said. "But since it was slightly outdated, Perry changed the lyrics."

Pinky looked nervous.

Peter and Perry began to sing.

_Ernest the flittering eagle_

_Had a beak as yellow as cheese_

_And if you ever saw him_

_You'd say he's a tad crank-y_

_All of the other security agents_

_Saw him coming and they fled_

_For if they made him angry_

_He would surely lose his head_

_Then one foggy Christmas eve, Santa came to say_

_Ernest with your fuse so short_

_Direct me to the airport_

_And so he got directions_

_With a snippy smart remark_

_Ernest the flittering eagle_

_Saved the day with his snark_

The agents applauded.

"AGENTTTT!" Ernest yelled.

** ...**

"Ferb! It's Christmas Eve!"

Perry heard the sound of a very large pillow thumping the same object over and over. He assumed it was Ferb's head.

"Wake up, Ferb! Wake up! OW!"

Perry sat up. Ferb had grabbed the pillow from Phineas and was smacking him over the head with it.

"Ah, brotherly love." Perry said.

"Good- OW! Morning- OW! Perry!" Phineas said.

"Pillows don't hurt." Ferb said. He tossed the pillow back onto Phineas's bed.

"Tomorrow is Christmas!" Phineas said. "I can't wait for you to see your present, Perry! You'll love it!"

"Santa time." Ferb said.

"And you two are gonna love yours." Perry said.

"Did you get me a cow?" Ferb asked.

** ...**

Perry stood on his art stool to view his efforts.

There were foam ornaments all over the table. Perry had glued together Santas, trees, candy canes, gingerbread men, reindeer, cookies, snowflakes, snowmen and ice skates out of many different colored pieces of foam. He had put little touches of colored glitter in spots that looked empty, and added sequins and pieces of cotton balls for details.

They looked very pretty.

The hardest one to make had been the tree topper. Perry picked it up and admired it again for the seventh time.

A tall felt man wearing a lab coat with a platypus on his shoulder.

Doofenshmirtz would appreciate it.

Perry set it back down on the art table and began cleaning up his supplies. Hours had passed since he had started making the ornaments, but he didn't mind. He was happy with his work. For a few hours, he forgot about the fact that Doofenshmirtz was moving. He was only focused on creating. Putting love and care into each ornament.

He loved making things.

A knock suddenly sounded on his door. Perry quickly began to put his ornaments into a box. "Come in."

Darren entered the art room. "Hey, Per. Wow, your mural's really coming along."

"Yeah." Perry grinned. "I'm happy with it. I'll have more time to work on it after the holidays."

"Cool ornaments." Darren picked up a snowman and examined it. "They for your tree?"

"Doof's." Perry said, taking back the snowman and putting it in the box. "I bought a fake tree for him. I'll set it up tonight while he's sleeping. Along with the other decorations I got him. Some homemade, some not."

"What happened to his old ones?" Darren asked.

"Sold 'em. I guess the move bummed him out so much… and he needed some extra cash." Perry closed the box.

"Wow." Darren said.

"What do you mean, 'Wow'?"

"Just… wow. I mean… taking all that time to make and buy new decorations for someone."

"You're saying it like it's a bad thing."

"It's not." Darren shrugged. "Just kind of weird. I mean, he'd probably be happy with one of those little bush-trees or something. I feel like it's… I don't know, kind of awkward setting up a bunch of decorations for someone else's Christmas instead of letting them do it."

"Well, what is the whole purpose of Christmas, anyways?" Perry snapped. "I'll tell you. It's a holiday all about being with the people you love and care about. Making the special people in your life feel happy. Being with family and friends. It's a holiday to celebrate all the people that have had a positive impact on your life. And you can't do that alone. Even if you do have a tree, and you do have stockings and presents, if you don't have anyone else to be with you, you don't have Christmas. You don't have anyone to celebrate it with. And I don't want him to feel alone on Christmas. No one should be alone on Christmas. And Doofenshmirtz needs me, this year more than ever. So when he wakes up tomorrow, he's not gonna be all alone in his barren building with no sense of care put into it. He's going to wake up and know there's someone who cares about him and will always be there for him… someone who really appreciates him." Perry felt his eyes tearing up.

"I guess I never thought of it like that." Darren said. "That's a really good thing to do."

Perry swallowed. "Yeah. Anyway… did you need something?"

"I just wanted to say thanks for singing at the party yesterday."

Perry laughed. "I figured Ernest needed some holiday cheer."

"It was a hit." Darren said. "People are coming up to me to try to book you. You alone, though. They weren't really impressed with Peter's ornament song."

"Well, considering he ended up smashing the curtain into the only food dishes that were undecorated, I wouldn't call it a flawless performance."

"Oh, I almost forgot." Darren pulled a small gift box out of his pocket and handed it to Perry. "Merry Christmas."

"Thanks." Perry smiled. "Yours should come in the mail tomorrow."

"A gift purchased from the internet? Promising! See you later." Darren saluted and left the room. "Happy holidays."

** ...**

Perry finally snuck the last box into Doofenshmirtz's lab.

Doofenshmirtz was asleep on the couch in front of the television. An old Christmas special was playing.

Perry switched the television off and glanced at Doofenshmirtz to ensure he was still soundly asleep. Then he set to work.

He took a pine-scented candle from one of the decoration boxes and lit it, setting it down on a table that seemed to be in the best spot to allow the scent to spread around the room. He then opened up the fake Christmas tree and began setting it up.

Perry had to stack two stepladders up in order to get the very top of the tree finished. He then started on the ornaments and tinsel.

As Perry was plugging in the top lights, Doofenshmirtz rolled over in his sleep and murmured "Eggplant Parmesan", causing Perry to nearly fall from the stepladder.

After about an hour, the tree was finished. Perry sat down in front of it and admired his handiwork. The foam ornaments looked very cheery and beautiful next to the Christmas lights.

Perry reached for his third box and began to pile presents underneath the tree. He had tried to wrap them all in different kinds of Christmas paper to give them a nice variety. The boys had invented electronic ribbons that changed color and sparkled.

Once the presents had all been deposited under the Christmas tree, Perry began to decorate the rest of the lab. He used red-and-green streamers and tinsel for the shelves and lights for everything else. He put the two Santa Bears that the boys had made on both sides of the couch. He arranged giant plastic candy canes, stuffed animals with scarves, inflatable light-up reindeer, and Santa dolls in empty places around the lab.

Finally everything was finished. Perry sat down in front of the tree and closed his eyes for a moment. His arms and back ached from decorating everything. The smell of pine was very soothing, and he started to drift off to sleep…

** ...**

Perry felt a large hand gently patting him on his side.

No. He wanted to sleep. Perry scrunched up into a tighter Perryball.

"You can go right back to sleep, little one. I have something for you."

Perry opened his eyes. At first his vision was a little blurry, but gradually it adjusted and-

Santa Claus was bent over him.

Perry smiled.

"I saw what you did tonight, Perry the platypus." Santa said. "That was a very kind thing for you to do. You're going to make someone very happy."

Perry grinned.

"Merry Christmas." Santa reached into his sack and put a gift on the floor next to Perry. "Your stocking is filled at home. Have a good night."

He patted Perry on the head. Perry beamed at him and closed his eyes again.

** ...**

Doofenshmirtz yawned and rolled onto his side.

_Pine trees?_

That was weird. He didn't have a Christmas tree this year. How could he be smelling pine trees?

Doofenshmirtz opened his eyes and gasped.

The entire lab was decorated beautifully. There was a huge Christmas tree in the center with presents overflowing underneath. A reindeer balloon came loose from its weight and was floating to the ceiling.

Was he in the wrong house?

Doofenshmirtz got up and wrapped his blanket around his shoulders.

Nope, this was definitely home. But… who could have done such a thing? Who could have snuck in and decorated everything so quickly? And why?

Doofenshmirtz looked down. Perry was lying on the floor by the Christmas tree, curled up in a ball. He was drooling a little.

_Perry the platypus?_

_Perry_ had done all this… for _him_?

Tears filled Doofenshmirtz's eyes. He felt so happy and so touched that he didn't quite know what to do.

"...Wake up, Perry the platypus. It's Christmas."

Perry yawned and opened his eyes. He looked sleepily up at Doofenshmirtz.

Doofenshmirtz grinned at him. The tears came loose and fell down his cheeks.

"Thank you, Perry the platypus. Thank you so… _so_, so much."

Perry smiled back at him. He jumped into his arms.

Doofenshmirtz squeezed him tightly against his chest. He couldn't stop smiling.

"Merry Christmas, little buddy."


	8. Chapter 8

"Are all these from you?" Doofenshmirtz asked, pointing under the tree.

Perry nodded and smiled.

"I… feel kind of awkward." Doofenshmirtz rubbed his hands together. "I didn't actually get you anything. I didn't think I was gonna end up celebrating this year. Perry the platypus… I really, _really_ appreciate what you did. I know it probably doesn't mean so much coming from me, but… you're a really good guy."  
>Perry blushed. He pointed over at the presents.<p>

"Oh, you want me to open them now? Well, okay."

The two of them sat down on the floor. Perry opened up a tin of cookies and set it down between them.

"A soft fuzzy blanket!" Doofenshmirtz exclaimed, holding up the first gift. "Aww, thank you, Perry the platypus. This will come in handy. It's super cold this year. Oh, I wish I had something for you… I'll buy you a gift later today."

Perry liked watching Doofenshmirtz open his gifts. He was so genuinely happy about each and every one of them. It made Perry feel warm inside.

"Ooh, Vance Ward signature cologne." Doofenshmirtz said.

"I wonder if it smells like Vance Ward." Perry said to himself.

Doofenshmirtz squirted a little on his wrist. "Mm, it smells wonderful. Kind of like Vance Ward, actually. Thank you so much! Ooh, and a fuzzy green sweater… and a cupcake maker… aww, this is so sweet!"

Perry started to cough. "Everything smells like Vance Ward."

Doofenshmirtz started to cough as well. "I'm getting lightheaded."

"The cookies taste like Vance Ward."

Doofenshmirtz ran over to the sink and rinsed off his wrist. "Ew. Everything smells like Vance Ward. I guess I squirted too much that time."

After Doofenshmirtz opened all his presents, the two of them sat on the couch and watched a holiday movie together.

"I hope you didn't mind the candy cane." Doofenshmirtz said. "I feel kind of embarrassed about it now. But… I figured, you know, since we weren't gonna see each other again…"

At first Perry didn't know what Doofenshmirtz was talking about.

"You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?" Doofenshmirtz popped a piece of fudge into his mouth. "The candy cane message I sent you. I told you that you were very cool and that I wished I'd gotten to know you better since I won't see you anymore."

It took Perry a moment to realize what was going on.

Then he began to laugh. He was so relieved. _Doofenshmirtz_ had sent him the candy cane. Not some lovestruck agent.

"It's not funny!" Doofenshmirtz turned bright red. "Do you know how long it took me to figure out how to write that out? Well, laugh it up, Perry the Sneerapus, but I meant everything I said on that note." Doofenshmirtz looked down at the ground. "I really am gonna miss you. I don't think they have an animal agency in Gimmelshtump. And it doesn't matter, anyway. You're my nemesis. You'll always be my nemesis. Just… just don't forget me once I'm gone, okay?"

Perry stopped laughing. He looked sadly down at the cookie in his hand.

This was it. These were the last moments he'd had with someone who had been so consistent in his life. Someone who had always been there for him.

"Two hundred dollars is a lot for me right now." Doofenshmirtz wiped a tear from his eye. "I really wish I could pay it off… just so I could stay here. This is my home, after all."

Perry looked at him. "Two hundred dollars? That's ALL?"

"Don't start saying goodbyes, Perry the platypus. They'll just make us both sad."

Perry reached into his pocket and pulled out two hundred dollar bills. He handed them to Doofenshmirtz.

"You- you're giving this to me?" Doofenshmirtz asked.

Perry nodded and smiled.

"Wait a minute. I can barely scrape together ten bucks to order out when it nears the end of the month, and they pay YOU hundreds of dollars to thwart me?"

Perry grinned.

"Perry the platypus, you- you- you… you're…" Doofenshmirtz burst into tears. "You're just such a nice guy!"

"Deus ex machina." Perry said.

He felt so relieved and happy. No more worries about losing Doofenshmirtz.

Now he could just enjoy the holidays.

"Merry Christmas, Perry the platypus." Doofenshmirtz wiped his eyes. "Merry Christmas. I'll never forget this. You did more for me in one day than anyone's ever done for me. I… I don't know what I did to deserve this. So thank you."

**...**

"Did I miss anything?" Perry asked, padding into the living room.

"PERRY!" Phineas ran over to him. "We were just about to go outside to play in the snow! Santa brought us snowboards! We configured them to hover! And we got so much cool stuff from mom and dad and Candace, and in our stockings…"

"I got a book about animals." Ferb said. He turned to the middle and showed Perry the page. "Look, cows."

"Awesome!" Perry said. "Did you guys open your gifts from me yet?"

"Naw, we waited for you." Phineas said. "Oh, Perry, you have to see your gift…"

"Where's everyone else?"

"Mother and father went to the store to get ingredients for cookies." Ferb said. "Someone ate them all."

Perry hiccupped.

"Candace left super-early to go give Jeremy his present and she isn't back yet." Phineas said. "Guess what? Mom loved the pillow we made her. And Candace loved her Jeremy-themed board game we made her. Oh, and we fixed dad's typewriter." Phineas said.

"Sweet." Perry hopped up on the stool next to the computer desk where the typewriter sat. "Can I test it out? All… work… and… no… play… makes… Perry… a very boring platypus."

"Cows throw up their food and then eat it again." Ferb read from his book. "Cows mate by-"

"Come on, Perry, come see what we got you." Phineas ran for the stairs. Perry followed him.

Phineas opened the door. Next to Perry's pet bed sat an enormous soft teddy bear.

Perry stared at it in awe.

"He's mine?"

"Yeah." Phineas said. "Ferb and I made him for you. We grew the cotton stuffing ourselves in our greenhouse and made it the softest cotton ever. And his fur is made out of the softest material ever. Only Ferb knows the secret to its softness."

"I _love_ him." Perry said softly. He gently stroked the teddy bear's fur. "I love him… I love him so much! _I LOVE HIM_." Perry wrapped his arms around the bear. "HE'S _SO PERFECT_!"

"We thought you'd love him!" Phineas said happily.

"He can be Snugglebear's older brother." Ferb said. "Hugglebear."

"I LOVE HIM!" Perry ran over to the boys and squeezed them. "THANK YOU SO, SO, SO, SO MUCH! HE'S BEAUTIFUL! THANK YOU!"

"You're so welcome, Perry!" Phineas said. "Merry Christmas!"

"And a happy new year." Ferb said.

Perry went back to his bear and snuggled up in its fur. "I love him so much. Awww, boys… thank you."

** ...**

Perry and the boys lay in front of the fireplace.

"Fudge the fudge." Perry said. "I never wanna see another piece of that stuff again."

"You know what sounds really gross right now?" Phineas asked. "Sugar cookies."

"Eeeeuggh. Dare you speak that name? My poor stomach's terrified of ever encountering another one."

"If only I hadn't drunk that last glass of chocolate milk." Ferb groaned. "Perhaps I could have lived to see college."

"Who wants to go to college?" Perry asked.

"I don't." Phineas said. "I want to stay a kid forever. And have summer forever. I don't want to grow up."

"Don't worry. You guys may end up like your dad. He never grew up." Perry pointed out.

"That is true." Phineas said.

"We could stay young forever." Ferb said. "And eat cookies. But not until we get sick. Because this really sucks."

"Yeah, it does suck." Phineas agreed. "Let us make a pact to never eat more cookies than we can handle."

"And never grow up." Ferb said.

"I won't drink to that, because if anything else goes in my stomach at this moment it'll blow up." Perry said.

"We'll drink chocolate milk later." Ferb said.

"To never growing up." Perry wearily pumped his fist. "To always staying children- or a pup, in my case."

"Forever summer." Ferb said.

"Forever kids." Phineas said.

"Forever here with you two." Perry said. "My family. My wonderful family. Forever Doofenshmirtz. Since he's not going anywhere now. Forever deus ex machina endings."

"Forever cows." Ferb said.

"Forever you two and me sitting in front of this fireplace." Perry yawned. "Being warm and happy. But never eating this much again. Did we already make that pact?"

"Yes, yes we did." Phineas said.

"I forgot. I'm in a food coma." Perry yawned again. "Forever spending the holidays together."

"Forever partridges in dangerous pear trees." Ferb said.

Perry started to laugh. "Oh yes. Never forget that."

"Let's sing the Wurny the Purr version." Phineas said. "Urn the furst durr urf Chrurstmurs, muh trur lurve gurve tur murr…"

"URR PURTRURDGE URN UR DURNGEROURS PURR TRURR!" They sang together.

"Keep it down!" Linda shouted from upstairs.

The boys broke into a fit of giggles. Perry continued to sing through his laughter.

And the carols of the Partridge in a Dangerous Pear Tree (Exclusive Wurny the Purr Version) danced through the night, until its carolers fell sound asleep by the fireplace.


End file.
